A different 47 seconds
by Doc Lee
Summary: Two-shot. What if things had gone differently during the interrogation room scene in the episode? All reviews welcome. Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

Here's something that has bugged me for longer than I care to admit. An AU idea surrounding one of the more important scenes in Castle's run (IMHO). Planned as a two-shot (maybe three if the plot in my head continues throwing ideas at me), but i've not yet started on pt II yet.

As with all my submissions, all constructive reviews and comments are more than welcome. I hope you enjoy what I've written.

Disclaimer - the people that own Castle are the people that own Castle. I'm not one of those people.

* * *

'I was shot in the chest and I remember every goddamn second of it!' Rick Castle's world crumbled around him at Kate Beckett's harsh bark, the woman sat on the edge of the interrogation room table as she leant over into the personal space of the potential suspect behind the recent disastrous bombing.

Stumbling back away from the glass separating him from the scene before him, Rick dropped the plastic cup of coffee he'd bought himself as he doubled over. After the heartbreak of Kyra, he'd never thrown himself into any relationship with all his being until he's met Kate, not even Meredith had garnered the same level of emotion in him with her director than the mind-numbing pain that coursed through his body at that moment. Clamping a hand on the rail, Rick gasped as he fought to contain the rising sob.

''She doesn't love you Ricky,'' The silver tongued voice of doubt sneered in his head, "she's never loved you. She's probably too embarrassed to tell you that your stupid little crush is another waste of time."

'I get it,' Kate's somber voice slipped through the cracks in Rick's pain. Forcing himself to look at the window, Rick was shocked at the amount of emotion in Kate's eyes, 'I think I get you more than you do, you don't want to remember the pain, the horror that you experienced. But you can't shut it out Andrew, otherwise it will consume you.'

Rick stood rooted to the spot in the dark observation room, the sheer amount of pain on Kate's face leaving him unable to move, to breathe, as the detective stared at her reflection in the one way mirror.

'I ran away,' Kate's distain at herself was palpable, 'I ran away and hid after I was shot, shut out everyone that I love because I didn't feel worthy of them. I remember every agonising second after my shooting, but I've lied to everyone and told them I don't.'

'Why?' Rick glanced at Andrew, the man staring at the floor with a hauntingly similar expression to Kate.

'How do you tell someone you remember the sound of their terror as they plead with you to stay alive?' Kate's eyes slammed shut with the agony of her memories, 'That I remember the feel of her hands as she kept my shattered heart beating.'

Rick stepped up to the window, his eyes locking on Kate's as she opened hers. He remembered explicitly the sound of Lanie's begging, her voice echoing in his head, and the way the strong, vibrant woman had collapsed sobbing into his arms when they'd lost sight of the gurney.

'I want to tell them everything,' Kate swiped at her face, Rick wishing he could reach through the glass and stop the rush of tears that started down her face, 'I want to tell her that I'll never be able properly to thank her, I want to be able to tell my friends that I'm sorry.'

'I want to tell him...' Kate's voice hitched, a hand pressing against her chest and the scarred skin, 'Tell him what... That his words kept me from giving up. God...' Kate broke out into a brief blinding smile under the tears, 'I want to smack him over the head for waiting to say he loves me as I'm laying dying. I want to tell him... That I...'

Kate hiccuped, the action snapping her back into heartbreak, 'I can't tell them...I can't tell the people I love what I need to because of what happened to me.'

'Why?' Andrew was staring over the table at Kate, a look of horrific recognition on his face.

'Scared,' Kate turned away from the window, and Rick, a hand swiping over her face as she perched herself on the table, 'Scared of what will happen when the truth comes out, fearful that I've screwed things up too much already.'

'No Kate...' Rick whispered, 'Not yet.'

'You need to tell me what happened Andrew,' Kate sighed, 'If not to bring justice for those that died, but to stop the same rot from taking hold inside you that has me paralysed,' Kate spun a pad of paper round and slid it to the possible suspect, a pen resting on the white page, 'If you can't say it, then try and write it. I'm going to give you a few minutes to think, then I'll come back and help you through what you saw.'

'Okay,' Rick heard the whispered reply as Kate stood. Stepping away from the table, he watched her pause at the door and take a deep, soul cleansing breath.

'It may not seem like it right now,' Kate opened the door, 'But everything will be okay eventually. Take it from someone who's hidden for far too long, all it does is make the pain worse.'

Rick watched as Andrew reached out with a shaking hand, plucking the pen from the paper and starting to slowly write. Hearing the all too familiar tone that Kate put on when she really wasn't okay from outside the room, Rick sucked in a breath. He should be angry, furious at being deceived for almost ten months but the openness of Kate's eyes showed him everything the woman had hidden from him.

Over the last few months, he'd watched as she'd opened up to life. She smiled more, laughed louder. He'd fallen in love with Kate all over again despite the three month silence as he watched her start to live again.

Gathering his senses, Rick scrubbed a hand over his face and turned to the closed door. He saw Kate standing a few feet away with her back to him, her laughter at something Javier Esposito had said softening the busy Bullpen.

'Has R-Castle come back from the coffee place yet?' Kate turned her head to the elevator doors, missing the fact the man in question was now standing behind her.

'He's right behind you Becks,' Esposito huffed, shaking his head and stepping back to his desk. Rick felt Kate's entire body freeze up, the cold terror almost visible against her skin.

'Kate...'

'H-how long have you been here?' Kate fisted her hand by her hip, a vain attempt to stop the bone shaking shivering that rocked her limbs from the fear that he'd heard her confession.

'You've not screwed it up Kate,' Rick reached down and curled his fingers around her fist, the explosion of stuttered breath from Kate the only noticeable reaction to his words. Lifting her hand up, Rick pressed a gentle kiss to her knuckles, 'Not yet. You don't need to be scared of me.'

'Rick...' Kate bit her lip, her eyes glistening, 'why... Why aren't you angry?'

'I was behind the glass,' Rick slowly unfurled Kate's fingers, his lips pressing against her palm when he'd opened her hand, 'Right in front of you. I saw everything on your face,' both were oblivious to the two men watching them, Esposito having nudged Kevin Ryan when he'd seen the event unfolding, 'I saw it all. You have stunning eyes Kate, eyes that rarely completely hide your emotions. In that room I saw the pure, unadulterated truth in your eyes.'

'I'm sorry Rick!' Kate gasped, her tears flowing down her cheeks, 'I'm so, so sorry. I didn't know how... How to tell you. I thought it was all a dream when you asked me if I remembered in the hospital and I... Panicked when I saw your reaction. I knew I'd messed everything up the moment you left the room... I...'

'I forgive you Kate.'

With the four quiet words, Rick could see the wall that Kate had spoken about crumble before his eyes and he found himself with her head tucked into his neck as she silently sobbed into him, her fingers gripping his jacket like a vice.

'It's okay,' Rick wrapped his hands around Kate's back, his eyes turning to their now concerned team mates as he repeated himself for both men to relax, 'It's okay Kate. Everything's going to be okay.'

Rubbing his hand along Kate's spine, Rick swallowed the pain her gasps sent through him. Keeping his mouth by her ear he repeated himself over and over, his gentle tone draping over them and gradually calming Kate's silent sobs.

'Why?'

Rick blinked at the timid question, Kate's hands relaxing but still keeping hold of his jacket, 'Why what?'

'Why are you forgiving me?' Kate lifted her head and turned her face up to Rick's. Their surroundings were forgotten when Kate's eyes locked on Rick's, the former staring intensely up with confusion clouding the stunning adoration they contained, 'How can you...'

'Simple,' Rick's low rumble sent shivers through Kate, the slow grin that left the brunette feeling more mushy than she'd ever admit to draping across his face, 'I love you Kate.'

'Oh God Rick!' Kate breathed. The simplicity of his words filled Kate with a feeling she thought she'd lost forever, a warmth flooding her body and leaving her with a blindingly bright smile. Lifting herself up onto her tiptoes, Kate fired herself up to Rick's lips and crushed hers over them in a bruising kiss.

It was a testament to the massive workload placed on the 12th by the bombing that the quick, emotion filled kiss was missed by all but Ryan and Esposito. Though it wouldn't have mattered as, from the moment their lips connected, neither Rick nor Kate registering anything but the embrace.

'Wow...' Kate giggled when the two eventually broke for air. She didn't care if the bullpen had just watched them, nor did she waste a second worrying about what Gates would do to Castle if she was standing nearby. All that mattered to her in that moment was the man wrapped around her and the utter serenity she felt with him, 'I love you Rick.'

'Oh!' the elation that shone from Rick at her confession brightened the smile on Kate's face. A gentle cough from behind her snapped Kate back into the room and she couldn't stop the deep blush that covered her face from appearing.

'What?' The tone from Rick was enough for Kate, who was now trying to hide herself in Rick's chest, to know that whichever of her team mates that had interrupted them was about to die a painful death.

'Gates is on her way up and from what LT just told me,' Esposito's Marine built coolness under threat covered his words, 'She's pissed. I really don't think you two lovebirds should be getting this cosy up here today.'

'He's right,' The irritable grumble ripped a giggle from Kate's chest, 'She hates me enough already.'

'No she doesn't,' Kate shook her head, the loss of Rick's heat when he took a step back affecting her more than she expected, 'She just hasn't lived with the Castle charm long enough. You bugged the hell out of me when you first arrived and look at us now.'

'Yeah,' Esposito smirked, 'Look at you now.'

'Behave,' It wasn't lost on the three men just how much happier Kate was, even from just a few minutes ago, and the cheeky glare sent towards the retired Marine held more mirth than any other emotion.

'Yes mother!' Esposito threw in another tease before he handed Kate a folder, a seriousness filling him quickly, 'Nine more victims identified. Bomb Squad confirm no more devices in the area.'

'Thank God,' Kate jumped when Rick leant over her shoulder, his large hand almost scalding on her hip when he pressed against her. Looking up at the writer that had helped her demolish the walls she'd allowed life to build in her, Kate couldn't understand why she'd battled so hard against the warmth that filled her soul.

'I don't believe it,' Esposito huffed, 'if you two are going to be worse than Honeymilk and Jenny at being all loved up, I think I'm gonna puke!'

'Better get a bucket handy then,' Kate smirked. The familiar ping from across the bullpen snapped the trio back into professional mode as Captain Gates stormed into the room, her face the usual shade of apocalypse.

'Tell me you have something, ' Gates glared dangerously, 'Otherwise I'm not going to be happy to see my best team hanging around doing nothing today.'

'Beckett has just gotten through to Andrew,' Castle spoke up, 'She was just giving him a few moments to write down what he saw in the hope we can piece together the final bits of the puzzle.'

'Rick's right Sir,' Kate nodded, 'Andrew is somehow linked to the bombing and I'm hoping that now he's willing to give us an accurate account of the missing 47 seconds, we will be able to get a better picture of the events and work out just who it was that left the backpack.'

'Good work Detective,' Gates appeared to relax, the sharp frown on her forehead softening, 'I'll let you get back to it. Mr Castle, I trust you are not hindering the case.'

'He's not Sir,' Kate jumped in almost immediately, 'In fact, Rick was instrumental in getting Andrew to open up to me.'

'Be it so Detective,' Gates studied the two closely for a moment, her hand reaching for the handle to her office door, 'If you are being distracted by your boyfriend, then he will be sent home. No matter how useful he is being.'

Not allowing a reply, Gates wrenched the office door open and disappeared behind it, the loud slam cutting off Kate's response.

'How the hell?' Rick snapped his hanging jaw close with an audible crack, 'We literally just... How did she know?'

'I don't know,' Kate chuckled to herself, 'But as she's not kicking you out, then I don't care. Do you want to come in with me to read Andrew's statement?'

'I think it will help him,' Rick nodded, his hand automatically dropping to the small of Kate's back, 'Show him that speaking up can be a good thing.'

The moment the words left Rick's lips, he stumbled as his mind pounded him with his own secret. The blinking light on the large screen back in his office almost blinding in his head, the secret it held was one that Rick's fear taunted him with and he could almost hear the same voice of doubt taunting him.

"She'll hate you," it poured icy cold water over Rick, the heat that had formed when Kate had kissed him extinguished by terror, "you can't hide this from her, she'll find out and she'll despise you for what you've done. She'll loathe you for helping her mother's killer evade her. You've screwed it all up Ricky. You finally get everything your heart wants and it's all going to implode on you."

Gulping down the terror that gripped his chest, he looked up to find Kate frowning at him, 'Tired,' Rick shrugged, 'It's been a long few days.'

'How about once we've handled this case,' Kate smiled softly, twisting from the interrogation room door to face her partner, 'I apply to use a week of my insanely big collection of vacation days and we go... Somewhere? Take a week to connect... In as many ways as you can think of.'

'O-ok,' Rick nodded slowly, 'Lets get this hellish case solved.'

Following Kate into the interrogation room, Rick knew that despite the heart-soaringly amazing fact that Kate Beckett loved him, he had created the dynamite that would destroy both their worlds and he'd done it willingly. Gulping, he took a deep breath and entered the small room.

She loved him, the words had passed her lips, and Rick Castle silently prayed that the fact would still be accurate by the end of the day.


	2. After the 47

Thank you for the reviews and the follows on this story. I hope you all enjoy this chapter as much as the first. Writing this, I realised early on that there was no way this would be a two-shot and it's almost certainly going to be a three-shot instead.

Disclaimer - the people that own Castle are the people that own Castle. I'm not one of those people.

* * *

'Go home Beckett,' Captain Gates stood infront of Kate's desk, her stern expression mixed in with a little worry at the tired slump of Kate's shoulders, 'You look exhausted.'

'I've been trying to get her to go home for an hour,' Rick Castle handed over a travel mug of steaming hot coffee, 'But I've clearly failed so far.'

'I'm almost done Sir,' Kate hid a yawn behind the lip of the mug, 'Five more minutes and...'

'And nothing detective,' Gates chuckled, 'I get enough of the 'five more minutes' at home to know that you will still be here in an hour. Go home. Take a few hours to recharge before you come in tomorrow, even if you don't appear until midday. I need my best team in top condition.'

Knowing that she was going to fail miserably to argue her case, Kate let out a long sigh, 'I need to finish signing a couple of pages, then I'll head home.'

Kate's eyes flicked to Rick's when the Captain had made her farewells and was heading to the elevator, a small bubbling of hope building in her that she wouldn't be alone tonight.

'Kate,' Rick reached over from his chair and threaded his fingers through hers, 'Come back to mine. Please.'

'Okay,' Kate watched the surprise at her quick agreement send a wide smile across Rick's face and she couldn't help but beam back at him, her body heating up in the usual manner it did when Kate got to see a true smile from her writer.

The familiar chime from her phone interrupted the duo as they shrugged on their coats and headed to the elevator. With his hand resting around Kate's hip, he felt the moment she tensed and he took the moment to press a kiss to her hair.

'C-Can we... Can we go to the morgue before you take me to the Loft?' Kate meekly asked, the wobble in her voice betraying her sudden terror, 'There's someone... Someone else I need to be truthful to and I kinda need to do it now before I chicken out.'

'Lanie?' Rick guided Kate into the elevator, his hand snaking out to press the button for the lower levels of the 12th and it's Morgue.

'She deserves to know Rick,' Kate turned and wrapped her arms around the back of his shoulders, her face buried in his chest, 'I cut everyone out of my life after the shooting, everyone. Lanie, the boys, you.'

'I owe my life to you both Rick,' Kate tipped her head up to reveal her tear stained cheeks, 'What you did by jumping at me made me move half a step. That half step was the difference between the bullet nicking my heart and the bullet slamming straight into it.'

'I could feel Lanie over me,' Rick watched as Kate's gaze shifted, her mind replaying the events of that horrific day, 'Feel her hands on me... And I remember her voice as she pleaded with me to stay with her. She kept me anchored, her voice gave me something to focus on, to grip tightly and not give into the... Pain.'

'I am alive today because of you both,' Kate lifted her face back to Rick's, 'And I can't even begin to process, let alone express, just what that means to me.'

For the rest of his life, Rick swore that in that moment his own heart packed it in and stopped, that time itself stopped. The gravity of Kate's confession and the sheer level of emotion in her voice silenced the jumble of noise in his head, her words shocking him into a state he'd not experienced in a long, long time.

'And what you said to me Rick,' Kate hiccuped, 'I wanted to stay, I wanted to come back to you so I could tell you that I love you too...'

'Ssh,' Rick wiped his thumbs over Kate's cheeks, swiping away the tears, 'you don't need to tell me now. I mean, at some point I hope that you are able to tell me why you chose the path you did. But Kate, you're here. With me, and... Kate, none of it matters right now because you love me.'

'I do,' Kate rocked up onto her toes and slanted her lips against his. What had been quickly planned as a slow embrace quickly turned heated and before Kate could stop him, she found herself pressed against the wall, his body enveloping hers completely.

The ping of the elevator was acted just like a bucket of cold water and the two broke apart, each gasping at the rush of blood through their bodies. Giggling softly, Kate reached behind her and pulled Rick's hand off her ass.

'Sorry,' Rick smirked, the rumble of laughter at her unbelieving expression warming Kate's belly, 'Yeah... Not really.'

Kate's smile faltered when the doors started to close, her free hand snapping out to keep them open. Pulling Rick behind her, she stepped into the dark corridor. Approaching the doorway into the Morgue itself, Kate's feet stopped as she felt her courage falter.

'I'm scared,' Kate whispered, her body stopping outside the twin doors. The simple two words struck Rick hard. The Kate that spoke them wasn't the fearless Detective Beckett, but the real Kate, the one that Rick had fallen completely in love with and the fact she was opening up to him in such a way bolstered his pride in her.

'She'll be upset,' Rick quietly replied, 'There's no getting around it and she'll be angry... And loud,' Kate winced, 'But she loves you Kate. It may take a little while, but it will be okay. I'm here and I'll be beside you the whole time.'

'Always?'

'Always,' Rick replied softly, the touch screen monitor back in his office flashing in his head. Kate took a deep breath, the familiar strength visibly filling her before his eyes, 'Ready?'

'Not really,' Kate admitted, turning and pushing the doors open.

'What the hell are you still doing here Girl?' Lanie Parish looked up from the wash station, her soap covered arms hanging under the running water, 'I'd thought you'd have gone home by now. I sent Alexis back about,' Lanie glanced at the wall clock, 'Four hours ago.'

Grabbing a fist of paper towels, Lanie dried her arms and turned back to her friend to find her standing in the middle of the morgue shaking, her eyes glistening, 'Whats going on?'

'Lanie...' Kate's voice wobbled, a sob bubbling up from her chest, 'I... Um... I need to tell you something and... You're not going to like it.'

'You're scaring me Kate,' Lanie rounded the slab to where Kate stood, 'What's happened?'

Kate turned to grab Rick's hand, her palms covering his tightly, 'I... Lied.'

'About what?' Lanie's brief joy at the way her friend was leaning on the man she'd known the woman had fallen for months ago was extinguished but the answer to her question.

'I remember my shooting,' Kate whispered, 'I remember it all.'

'You remember?' Lanie flinched, fury filling her, 'You told me you didn't remember anything after stepping onto the podium. You looked me in the eye Kate and told me that you didn't remember!'

Kate's face crumpled and she lost the battle with the barrage of sobs that fought to the surface.

'How could you do that?' Lanie barked, her face a picture of hurt, 'Why did you lie Kate? I was here for you, God...'

'Lanie...'

The sharp edge to Lanie's dark expression scared Rick when she snapped her head to where he stood behind Kate, 'Shut the hell up Rick, it's beyond past the time for Kate to start talking to me and I want to know why my best friend has been keeping such a major secret from me. I want to know why...'

'I was scared!' Kate blurted, her voice flooded with panic, 'and broken. Physically and mentally, I was broken. That bullet... It nearly destroyed me and I... You deserve better than someone who ends up curled in the corner of her goddamn kitchen shaking like a freaking leaf because the cupboard door slammed shut. You deserve better than someone who flinches at a flash of light.'

'You deserved better than what I'd become,' Kate could feel the floodgates open, 'You all deserve better than me. I was scared and I was cowardly not to tell you that I... have absolutely no idea how to respond to the fact that I'm alive because of you Lanie. That knowledge blew my mind completely and... I broke again.'

'God!' Kate let the tears fall down her cheeks, her head hanging low as she started pacing, 'I didn't know how to live with that... So I lied. I lied to you, I lied to Rick, I've lied to everyone and I've been such a freaking coward. I don't want to be a coward anymore.'

'I could feel your hands,' Kate rubbed her chest with her fingers, 'Pressing down on the second most mind-numbing, soul searing agony I've ever experienced. I could hear your voice... The pain my actions caused you was... I don't know a word that can sum it up properly. I put you through that...'

'Kate,' Rick curled a hot palm over her shoulder, but the action failed to stop her momentum.

'I focussed on your voice Lanie, gripped onto you with every ounce of my being in the hope I could stay with you,' Kate sobbed, Lanie's hand covering her own quiet whimpers, 'For the rest of my life, I'm never going to forget how hard you fought for me that day and I'm never... Never going to be able to thank you properly.'

'I was a coward when I lied about what I remember,' Kate glanced at Rick, 'To both of you and I've hurt you in ways that are unforgivable. I'm never going to be able to say sorry enough, but I...'

'Kate...' Lanie all but launched herself at her friend, her arms pulling the slim woman against her as both sobbed. For what felt like an eternity, Kate stood frozen as Lanie embraced her until she fell against the the ME. Gripping the back of her scrub top Kate wept as her still healing chest flaring in pain with each lungful of air.

'I'm sorry,' Kate repeated as she wept, her hands gripping the back of Lanie's top. Despite the thunderous emotions pounding through her, she felt a soothing sensation when Rick's large hand once again curled over her free shoulder.

'I'm sorry I lied,' Kate forced out through her sobs, 'I'm sorry Lanie... I'm sorry...'

'Kate,' Lanie eventually pulled back, her face stained with tears that filled her eyes. She watched as Kate hung her head, her shoulders shaking with each sobbed breath, 'Look at me Kate.'

It took a few moments before Kate could make her body move, the potential look on Lanie's face scaring her. When she finally lifted her head, she nearly burst into tears again when she realised that, while Lanie was clearly hurt and angry at her, she could see the tentative tint to her gaze.

'I'm hurt and I'm goddamn angry right now Kate,' Lanie's voice held her usual fire, 'You could have told me, I would never judge you for what you were feeling and I will always stand by you no matter what you do.'

'I'm sorry,' Kate whispered, the shame she felt coating her words.

'I know you are Kate,' Lanie sighed, 'But you need to stop hiding from those that love you. How many times have we spent hours stuffing our faces with ice cream and drinking far too much wine while one of us blubbered over something?'

'Countless,' Kate gave a watery smile, the warmth of Rick's hand disappearing as he crossed the room to snag a box of paper towels.

'Exactly,' Lanie huffed, 'I can't imagine how devastating it all was for you, the mental anguish you would have gone through as well as the physical pain would have knocked even the strongest of people on their ass... But...'

Lanie's shoulders slumped as the fight dissolved in her, the look of utter shame and humiliation on her best friends face showing her just how ashamed Kate was by her actions.

'Let us in Kate,' Lanie implored, 'Let him in...'

'I did,' The change in Kate's face left Lanie speechless, the brunette sneaking a glance to Rick as he stood a few feet away with a box of paper towels in his hands. In an instant the shame and anguish in Kate's eyes burst into a blinding light and her red lips cracked open to add a powerful smile.

'Girl...' Lanie dropped her voice accusingly, her own wide grin softening the tone, 'Is there something else you've not told me?'

'Just after I was shot, as i'm laying on the grass,' Kate reached out and gripped Rick's arm, pulling him closer so she could wrap her arms around him, 'This guy told me he loved me.'

'Really?' Lanie rolled her eyes at Rick, 'You need to work on your timing.'

'I lied to him as well, 'Kate admitted, the happiness that had filled her dulled slightly, 'Didn't tell he I'd heard him.'

'I should smack you for being so goddamn stupid!' Lanie barked, 'What the hell possessed you?'

'Same stupidity that kept me from talking to you,' Kate ducked her head into Rick's shoulder, his hand splaying over the small of her back, 'Didn't feel like I deserved Rick.'

'You need to stop with this whole not deserving drive you've started missy,' Lanie poked Kate's shoulder as she spoke, her finger unconsciously wagging at her long time friend, 'it's unbecoming of you and i'm not going to allow you to go another inch on it. You deserve happiness Kate, just like the rest of us and you have it standing right here,' Lanie jerked her thumb at Rick, 'This big oaf loves you unconditionally, he doesn't care that you get clingy when you're sick or that tequila makes you randy.'

'It does?' Rick filed that nugget of information away for a rainy day, 'I'll have to remember that... Ouch!'

Kate rolled her eyes at her partner and let the hand that had just slugged his chest wrap back around him.

'He loves you,' Lanie continued almost without reacting, a slight shake of her head the only visible response, 'Good or bad, he loves you and you have to start believing that Kate. Not only Writer boy here, but me, Javi, Kevin... Hell, even Pearlmutter. We all care about you and want you to be happy.'

'I know,' Kate sighed, the large hand rubbing up her spine slowly dissolving the fears and nightmares that plagued her mind when she thought about how much her friends loved her, 'I'll get better at this Lanie. I promise.'

'You'd better,' the look on the ME's face was one that promised fire and brimstone if she didn't, 'or I'll tell Rick about that guy in Long Beach.'

For a brief moment Lanie was met by twin stares of confusion before Kate gasped, her eyes flying open as her face turned beetroot.

'Don't you dare,' Kate seared Lanie with a killer glare, one that was muted slightly by her beaming smile, 'Or I'll show Javi the photos from Miami and tell him just how you got us out of that speeding...'

'Okay!' Lanie threw her hand up and sighed, 'You win.'

'You two do know I'm going to find out just what it is you're both holding over the other,' Rick laughed, the deep rumble hitting Kate below the belt.

'Just remember,' Lanie couldn't stop the laugh that left her at the contented smile on her friends face, 'Whatever Kate tries to embarrass me with, I can make it much worse for her.'

The familiar sound of Alexis Castle's ringtone on her father's phone broke the mood, Rick spinning away from Kate to fish his phone out of the pocket she was pressed against.

'Kate,' Lanie lowered her voice, the serious tone leaving the brunette a little nervous, 'You know I love you don't you?'

'I do,' Kate nodded.

'I'm still pissed and we will be having a girls night in the next week so I can rip your sexy ass a new one,' Lanie huffed, 'But I still love you girl.'

'I am sorry,' Kate winced, 'I was completely wrong to keep everyone in the dark. All the reasons i convinced myself with back then are just stupid and I felt ashamed and scared of how people would react.'

'Next time you feel like that, then come tell me so I can smack the stupid right outta you,' Lanie's lips twitched up, her eyes dropping to Rick's jean clad ass, 'Or you just drag that perfect specimen of a man into the nearest bed and let him take your attention onto other things... Or just one thing.'

The loud bellows of laughter that met Rick when he hung up his phone and turned back to the two friends was music to his ears, the large grins they wore shining brightly.

'What?' Kate laughed, her brow furrowing at the way Rick was watching her.

Shaking his head quickly, Rick waggled his phone, 'Alexis is ordering pizza in tonight, she wanted to know if she should get your pizza on the order as well. I said go for it.'

'Maybe I wanted to go relax in my tub with the latest Patterson?' Kate crossed her arms over her chest as Lanie chuckled.

'Did you?'

'Nope,' Kate smirked at the blatantly obvious relief on Rick's face.

'Good,' Rick grinned, 'If we leave now, then we should be able to beat the bike and stop Mother from inhaling half of my pizza.'

'Go,' Lanie pointed at the door, 'Get that skinny ass outta here. Next week. You and me. My place.'

'That is if you and Castle aren't still being the human pretzel that is?' Lanie teased, Kate stopping her motion to hug her friend and instead poking her tongue out at her. Lanie giggled and shrugged, 'Go, I need to shut up shop anyway.'

'Hot date?' Rick quipped, his arm hung out for Kate to take.

'You can say that,' Lanie grinned saucily at the retreating backs, 'Me, Javi and a tub of ice-cream.'

'Naughty,' Kate laughed over her shoulder as Rick opened the doors to the morgue, 'don't think I need to tell you two to be good, do I?'

'Oh hell no!' Lanie's laugh echoed after Kate, 'hopefully you two will take after us and have your own fun... At Last!'

'I'm hoping so as well,' Kate shivered at the dirty rumble from Rick as the two waited for the elevator to arrive.

* * *

Despite the cheery atmosphere in the Loft while Kate helped Rick and Alexis, Martha making a usually overly dramatic exit just as the pizza arrived, attack the sinfully large pile of pizza boxes, she couldn't help but notice the slow shift in her partner as the night wore on. His smile became muted and the warmth slowly seeped from him, replaced by a growing sense of fear and dread. She didn't know why Rick was reacting in the way he was, but she knew that now the dynamics of their relationship had changed, she wasn't going to let him fall into the rut she regularly dropped into.

'I'm stuffed,' Alexis grumbled softly, the contented smile on her face at odds with her words, 'I don't think I'm going to need to eat for a month after tonight.'

Opening her mouth to respond to the young woman, Kate turned a deep shade of red when she instead released a loud belch. Covering her face with a hand and moaning in embarrassment, she couldn't help but join in the loud laughter from both Rick and Alexis.

'I'm so sorry,' Kate giggled, 'That was definitely not what I wanted to say.'

'I didn't think so,' Alexis smirked, a heavy sigh leaving her along with the mirth, 'I've put it off long enough, but I've gotta start that damned essay.'

'Are you sure you can't leave it until the morning?' Rick looked dejected as Alexis stood. The shake of her head brought more nerves to the forefront and he pouted dramatically, 'Please Pumpkin? Stay and I'll find a good zombie movie for you.'

'Later?' Alexis leant over and gave her father a kiss on his cheek. The young woman turned to Kate and paused, uncertainty at how to act towards the detective flashing across her before she sighed and pounced, hugging Kate tightly.

'Dad's over thinking,' Kate paused at the breathed whisper, 'Don't let him ver think you.'

'I won't,' Kate promised, a connection building between her and Alexis. She caught Rick's eye when he turned back from watching his daughter disappear up the stairs, the expression of dread appearing in an amount that scared Kate immensely.

'Are you second guessing us?' Kate couldn't stop her own fear filling her voice.

'God no,' Rick blurted, his hand shooting across the small gap to grasp hers tightly, 'I'm not second guessing anything about kissing you earlier.'

'So why do you look like I'm about to kick your puppy?' Kate shifted closer to her writer, 'What's going on in that head of yours.'

Rick took a deep breath, his hand tightening around Kate's, 'I was so discombobulated when I heard what you told the guy that I didn't think about something important.'

Rick stood, cautiously pulling Kate with him, and padded through into his office. She followed him in silence, the dread Kate saw on his face filling her to an extent that she was starting to shake. Rick turned and levelled Kate with a similar expression to the one he'd worn all those years ago when he'd dropped the soul shattering news about her mother's murder a year after they'd started working together.

'You aren't the only one that's been keeping a secret...' Rick grimaced. To Kate's utter horror, Rick stuttered and stammered his way through explaining his dealings with a shadowy 'Mr Smith' and the deal he'd made with the literal devil to ensure she'd survive, but never be able to bring the Dragon to justice. The impact of his words, combined with the visceral terror his voice held, slammed into Kate and spread an agony across her chest that made the sniper bullet feel like a rubber band strike.

She knew she was openly crying, the burn with each ragged breath leaving her exhausted, but she equally knew that she couldn't stop herself if she tried. Her blurry vision cut to the large monitor behind his broad shoulder, the spider web of faces and connections.

'Kate...' In the time Kate had known Rick, never had she heard him sound so small, so vulnerable, 'Say something... Please.'

'Why?' She forced out through her sobs.

'I failed you,' Rick's eyes glistened, but didn't overflow, 'I failed your father and Roy by not keeping you safe. I was... Everywhere and nowhere, lost in a horror that consumed me and I was given a choice that...'

'For you to live,' Kate saw the pain Rick's words were causing him as he spoke them, 'I had to stop you from getting justice for Johanna, for your mother. I can't lose you Kate.'

The sheer depth of Rick's love for Kate was laid bare before her, the shutters that she'd often see slip open were obliterated and she couldn't compute the emotions swirling in her. Before she could think, her body had spun her around and was marching her across the loft towards the door.

Standing before the front door, Kate froze as her conflicted mind gained control over her body. Every muscle in her body was primed to run, to get away from the agony Rick's revelation had brought on her. She would be fine if she could get away, she'd hide for a few days to lick her wounds and rebuild the wall around her heart that Rick had nearly completely demolished.

But she didn't want to. She wanted to stay, stay and scream at Rick for his moronic stupidity over his actions. She loved him, that was agonisingly clear to her and just about anyone that knew her, and she knew that he loved her just as much. The promise of happiness stood behind her in the small office, a life full of joy and love surrounded by her friends and a man that loved her despite her failings.

The door loomed large before her, the life changing decision swirling around her head. Run and continue coasting along with her life, keeping herself isolated from happiness, or stay and fight, fight for the life she wanted.

Run or stay. In that moment Kate Beckett couldn't bring herself to choose.

Until she did.


End file.
